(Take This) Shirt Off My Back

CNN.com has a feature (which I assume is relatively new) where you can order t-shirts featuring some of the headlines on the front page. Just like some of their headlines have a video camera icon next to them, meaning you can watch video of the story, some of them have adorable t-shirt icons next to them, meaning you can order a t-shirt of that headline. Today, for instance, you can order one of the following hilarious headlines (watch out, Jay Leno!):

Soccer Dad Obama Gets Swatted By Wife
Ranch Salad Dressing Floods Basements
Towns Blast Fireworks From Budgets

Ok, the first one deals with Obama, an always-hip t-shirt reference, plus it hints at the wacky relationship he and his wife have (fist-bumping? Swatting? When will it end?!).

The second is certainly the most viable t-shirt slogan of the bunch, but really, who cares?

The third one has a classic news play on words that everyone seems to love to much, but is otherwise so stupid I don't even know what to say. No, what? Otherwise so stupid? It's stupid due in large part to the play on words.

So how does CNN.com decide which headlines to make into t-shirts? Why can't I choose any headline on the page (I just realized I think this entire posting will be very entertaining if you imagine Andy Rooney saying it all). How about these currently posted stories:

Dead Vermont Girl's Uncle Faces Kidnap Charges
Woman Kills Self to Avoid Nursing Home
Student Tortured, Stabbed to Death, Report Says

Now those are some t-shirts! I'll wear anything with "report says" on it!

Mini me

Thanks to left of the pyle for discovering this.

I knew that there was a Molly "pack member" after seeing her on a bag from Sonic, but I had no idea that she and I share so many traits: I'm always on the lookout for adventure, I tell the best stories, and sometimes I like to sit at home and read to a tater tot.

The evils of technology

Recently there have been some commercials for Bank of America that feature a voice that sounds like Kiefer Sutherland. My initial reaction to hearing them was that it was him, but then as I kept listening it started to sound less like him and more like someone very good at sounding like him. So every time I see this commercial, I consider going online to find out once and for all if it's Kiefer Sutherland or not. But I didn't, because in my mind there was something fun and intriguing about it remaining a mystery in a day when just about any mystery (at least mundane ones like this) can be solved with a couple of keystrokes.

But 5 minutes ago I gave in. I googled "Bank of America Kiefer Sutherland" and was sure that a dozen sites featuring intense debate over whether it was really him would pop up. There would be conspiracy theories about celebrity voice impersonators being the hot new advertising tool. Alas, all I found were listings over dozens of sites that immediate confirmed that Kiefer Sutherland is, in fact, the new voice of Bank of America.

Mystery solved. Fun over.

Celebrity calls pt. 2

Today Ed Asner called with a similar message. Let's see all you smarty pants (pantses?) make puns out of his last name!

Celebrity calls

You guys, Sandra Oh from Grey's Anatomy just called me. At first I assumed she was calling to discuss the fact that I called her character an insult to women. Or maybe she'd seen my commercials and just wanted to say how much she liked them. But instead, in a very rehearsed voice (she is, after all, an actress), she urged me to vote no on the AFTRA prime-time television contract. I guess even big stars value my opinion - after all, I've been a SAG/AFTRA member for over three years!

When she was done with her spiel - during which she never let me ask a question or even interject an "mm-hm" - I thanked her for calling and said that I thought she was great in Sideways, and you know what she did? She hung up on me. I guess she was pretty mad about my Grey's review after all.

Short and boring!

I don't have anything major to report, but it's been awhile and I feel like I'm neglecting my duties here. So...how about the tomato salmonella outbreak, huh?

I had three celebrity encounters this week: doing Armando at iO with Drew Carey, sitting on a couch while Andy Samberg ate middle eastern food at the kitchen counter, and seeing Adrien Grenier at a neighborhood restaurant. Hollywood!

So, it looks like Killer (the Hillary video/scene) has finally met its expiration date. It was a good run - one that lasted much longer than anyone expected to, I think. Thanks for all the kind words about the video.

Pass/Fail

Every email I've sent to a hotmail address in the past 20 minutes has "failed permanently."

Hotmail is bad.

In other news, I am now in proud possession of two brand spankin' new California license plates, as well as a temporary CA driver's license. I had to take the written test, and it was much harder than I thought it would be. Like, I assumed I failed. But I didn't! It made me realize how long it's been since I've taken any kind of test...probably since I moved to Illinois and had to do the written test there. It's amazing how quickly my hopeless test-taking habits returned to me, like skipping a question and coming back to it, as if I will suddenly have clarity as to whether I have to notify the DMV within 5 days of painting my car a different color. (Answer: I don't know! I didn't get the test back so I don't know if I got that one right. I guess I'll find out when my car gets painted by members of Electric Mayhem so I can escape the evil clutches of Doc Hopper.)

The video. Here.

Oh Hillary, I can't thank you enough for not only keeping this video topical, but actually putting within the realm of actual realism...

TV, you've done it again

***Grey's Anatomy Season Finale SPOILER ALERT***

I enjoy Grey's Anatomy. It's a guilty pleasure. Actually, it started as a guilty pleasure when I first bought it from itunes. Then I discovered that is was, I believe, a legitimately good show. Now it's back to being a guilty pleasure because it has gotten g.d. ridiculous.

First problem, Meredith Grey, the title character. She may be one of the most unlikeable protagonists of any show ever. She's whiny, emotionally retarded, and just mean. Recently she decided to go to the hospital's therapist, but acts like every time she's there is some kind of court-ordered appointment that got her out of jail 6 months early. She either says nothing, or argues that nothing is wrong with her. Because a lot of times what happens is that the door to a therapist's office is marked "Women" and has a picture of a skirt-clad woman with one leg. So maybe Meredith doesn't mean to end up in the therapist's office. Repeatedly.

Ok, but the reason I'm writing this is specifically about the season finale. You know, the one where the boy trapped in "tons" (according to one of the doctors) is brought into the hospital on a standard gurney by 2 firefighters, and because he jumped into wet concrete to impress a girl who then ends up denying that she likes him, Dr. Torres realizes that she has the lesbian hots for Dr. Hahn (who I can't look at without thinking of her saying "I've got your dog mister!").

Alex, who is in love (?) with his ferry-boat disaster patient with a new face, continues to deny that this woman needs professional psychological help, despite the fact that she had a hysterical pregnancy, won't eat, sits motionless in the shower, slit her wrists with a butcher knife, and as she so eloquently put it while sitting on the couch as a movie played on the TV tears rolled down her cheeks, "I think I wet my pants." And why is Alex so intent on taking care of her himself? Because HE'S DONE IT BEFORE!!!!!!! (His emphasis) His mom was crazy and when he was a kid he took care of her. So if only he could help New Face Lady then it would make up for whatever vague thing happened to his mom and then he would be able to have normal relationships with women and yay!

Cristina Yang is still sad because her ex-fiance Preston Burke got some award and she had helped him with a lot of his surgeries when he was hiding his shaky hands and just couldn't stop using the word "faggot." Yang is super-driven and lacks social skills and is mean and robotic and generally an insult to ambitious, smart women.

Izzie Stevens is bored because there's no dying patient to be in love with.

Dr. Bailey is "trying the see the big picture" and knows a lot about Star Wars. She loves monologues.

And what about Derek and Meredith? We know from the countless "scoops" from Entertainment Weekly and Inside Hollywood Access Tonight that they're going to get back together. But how? I mean, after the 12th patient from their inject-virus-into-brain-tumor clinical trial dies (oh, but only after they successfully orchestrated the patient and another clinical trial patient having sex for the first - and last - time), and Meredith convinces the final patient (hours before their midnight deadline) to go through with the surgery, Derek is really, totally mad at her. But then they perform this consistently fatal surgery on the last girl and she lives! And Meredith and Derek run around Seattle looking for each other to celebrate. "Derek?" "Meredith?" "Where are you?" "I'm at your house, I wonder if you're at mine. Let's switch where we're looking and just miss each other!" "Aren't you glad we never bothered to charge our cell phones last night?" Or maybe Meredith left hers at home in the hubbub of cleaning up the blood from New Face's suicide attempt, just like after her mom tried to kill herself, which we conveniently learned about in that day's therapy session. Also, she cleaned up the blood with a sponge. That's weird, right?

And then, Derek finds Meredith on his land - which he was prepared to sell in an effort to rid his life of all things Meredith (except working with her 70 hours a week) - where she has painstakingly set out about 200 glass jars with candles in the blueprint of the house he told her he wanted to build for them last season or whenever. Now that I think about it, when she was running around looking for him before, she was carrying a dozen Pier 1 shopping bags. So they find each other, they kiss, but Derek, being so totally McDreamy, says he has to go because he has to go break up with his nurse girlfriend Rose so that his conscience is clear. Aw! He's so noble. McNoble.

I can't wait for the next season to start.

This just in

News teaser from Thursday night:

"The gay marriage debate could affect your commute!"

LA just out-LA'd itself.

Just in time...

With days of topicality left ahead, here's the filmed version of the scene "Killer" from my last Second City show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2x4Cd7ziu0

Technical Foul

There is a commercial running right now for a digital camera that has the ground-breaking technology to let you know when someone in the picture you've just taken has their eyes closed. After you take the picture, a caption come across the screen saying "One or more subjects may have closed their eyes." That's right, it says that over the picture, where most likely it is clearly evident that someone has their eyes closed, that someone has their eyes closed. Maybe. Thank you for that worthless bit of technology.

Why ya buggin'

It's been hot here in LA the past few days. And with the heat has come more bugs than I'd previously seen here. Growing up in Dallas, I became fairly used to large cockroaches, to the point where I could kill them and not be too freaked out by it. But the other night I got home and saw a Texas-sized roach outside my apartment and for the next hour felt like bugs were crawling all over me. Oh, I know what you're thinking, and I wasn't on Meth at the time.

Last night I left my apartment and saw the fattest caterpillar I'd ever seen, on the same wall where the roach had been (again, thankfully outside). When I got home a few hours later, it had migrated a fair distance, and this morning I saw it down by my neighbor's window. I was actually relieved to see it again this morning, because the only thing worse than seeing the same bug (or whatever a caterpillar is) over and over is to not see it and wonder where it is now. Like in my bathtub or something.

I know, I know, caterpillars are cute and they become butterflies and blah blah, but this one just didn't have the appeal. Ok?

Well, from a comedic standpoint, I have to be happy that Hillary's still in this thing. Last week my former Second City castmate Brian Gallivan and I went to Chicago and filmed out scene "Killer" from the last show - the one where I play Hillary and he plays a reluctant assassin. The final edit is supposed to be done in the next week or so, and I'm glad that it will still be relevant then.

This week I'm traveling for some shows that Second City and the Economist magazine have teamed up to do. It's a cast of 5 of us - all SC alums now living in LA, and it's been a lot of fun. We were in Atlanta for the first show and now we're in Raleigh. We're doing three scenes from my last show (including Killer and my Al Gore song), so that's been a nice nostalgia trip. The other part of the show, which is called "The Art of Political Satire," is this guy who goes by the name of Kal and is a political cartoonist for the Economist. He's very nice and looks like Mark Twain. During the show he does a segment where he does some political caricatures and even teaches the audience how to draw President Bush. We'll do another show in San Francisco at the end of June.

Killing time

I love my shower radio. Why? Because it allows me to hear important news stories in the morning, the most important of which might be Los Angeles' current 48-hour homicide moratorium. That's right. In honor of the 40th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination, residents of the greater Los Angeles area are being asked not to kill anyone.

I believe it was one of Dr. King's finest speeches in which he proclaimed, "Consider not murdering anyone in two day chunks - it makes it less overwhelming."

The news story ended with this: "The homicide moratorium expires at 10:01pm tomorrow night."

And then, back to murdering!

Bringing you up to date

It's come to my attention that a lot of people have just recently come across my blog. I understand that those of you new Erdmaniacs may not be up for reading 3+ years of blog entries, so here's a quick rundown and hopefully answers to some FAQ's.

I started this blog in 2005 when I lived in Chicago and was preparing to embark on a 4-month cruise with The Second City. That was also around the time I began shooting Sonic commercials. Since then, I performed on The Second City Mainstage in Chicago for 2 1/2 years, after which I moved to Los Angeles. Hm, I guess that's really all there is to tell you. Except for one other thing, which is that this blog was initially started to keep my family and friends updated on what I was up to when I was on the cruise and communication was difficult. My parents continue to read this blog, so just keep that in mind should you choose to leave any, er, colorful comments.

Thanks for reading. And I do appreciate all the comments, even if I rarely respond to them.

Pearl of Wisdom

Jewelry. It's pronounced jewel-ry. Just like it's spelled. Not jew-lery. Unless of course you're talking about nuculear jewlery.

Sgary gnus

I just read a blurb on CNN.com that women who visit hair salons have a higher risk of stroke. I figured it must be something related to the chemicals used in salon, and since I don't intend to start cutting my own hair I clicked to read the full story. Turns out, it's actually tilting your head back to far in the shampoo bowl that could lead to a stroke. I mean, it's rare, the story goes on to say. Like not as common as having a stroke during a chiropractic adjustment. Which is still really rare. But the salon thing is even more rare. Ok, like, it happened to this one lady.

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

I've been feeling recently that I'm not as in touch with the news as I used to be. Stories like this make me not miss it.

Rebirth

First, thanks to everyone who leaves nice comments. I generally don't reply to them, but I do appreciate them. Or occasionally fear them. But in a flattered way.

Second, it is with great joy that I announce that Chevy is using Cameo's 1986 hit "Word Up" in one of their new commercials. Cameo, buy yourself something nice.

I don't fit the part.

Here's another post that makes me sound like an old lady, but how hard is it to find a shoe store where the salespeople actually know anything about shoes? I've been playing tennis recently - because sometimes I find that hiking and yoga just isn't L.A. enough - and found that my usual running shoes were no good for it. So I went to my local mall and visited 5 shoe stores, all of which had loud hip hop music playing and were full of what I call "vanity sneakers." Pumas, Converse, all the cool things the kids are wearing these days. And all of these stores were specifically aimed at sports shoes - Foot Locker, Champs, etc. And here's how it went down at Lady Foot Locker:

Timid Employee: Can I help you find a shoe?
Me: I'm looking for a tennis shoe. Like a shoe to actually play tennis in.
TE: Oh...I don't really know anything about tennis shoes. But I know about walking and running shoes.
Me: I don't need walking or running shoes.
TE: Oh...

So I went home and ordered some Adidas tennis shoes online. And I wore them today and they are great. So there, dummies!

In Hollywood news, last week I auditioned for a part on the sitcom "How I Met Your Mother." At this point I had figured I didn't get it, but sitting home tonight watching Access Hollywood, I found out who did. Drumroll please....Britney Spears.

Traffic & TV

Ok, you know what it is? When I am the one who pulls to the side when another car is coming, I just want the person in the other car to wave at me. Or smile. Something that acknowledges that I'm an incredibly courteous person.

Quiz: What don't I watch?
Which of the following shows has not been on my DVR at any point this week:

Top Chef
Survivor
Real World/Road Rules Challenge
Sex and the City
The Simpsons
Saturday Night Live
According to Jim
Iron Chef America
What Not to Wear
Good Eats

If you said The Simpsons, you're right. I've had multiple season passes for it on my DVR through the years, but I've come to the realization that it's not something I enjoy watching by myself. So I've allowed myself to stray from comedy nerd-dom and relieve myself of the burden.

Really? I mean seriously?

Why, in 2008, are female college students being called "co-eds"? I can understand it, relatively speaking, in the context of a Girls Gone Wild commercial, but on CNN in a story about two female college students being murdered? Yech.

Make way for melons

A lot of people think that all Gallagher does is smash melons and other food. That is simply not true. I'm too tired to tell my whole Gallagher saga (but I promise I will...or have I told it already?), but he did have this one bit about how you know who's in charge in a relationship. He said when you're about to go to sleep and you realize that bathroom light's on and you get up to turn it off, look back in the bed because that's who's in charge.

Why do I mention this bit of observational, non-melon-based comedy? Because I've noticed lately that whenever I see another car coming in the opposite direction down a residential street, I am ALWAYS the one who moves to the side so the other car can get by. I mean, literally always.

Which I guess, at least if you map it onto a classic Gallagher bit, means that everyone else is in charge. Which should be a relief, now that I think about it.

It's Happening

Tonight I found myself sitting at a table in a bar with, among other people, Scott Thompson from Kids in the Hall.

Now I have come home to find that I'm listed on IMDb, thanks to my According to Jim episode.

Hopefully these will not be the two biggest things that happen to me this year, but it's not bad for a day's work.

View from the top

This week we had a few days of amazing weather, so I decided to finally head up to Griffith Park, home of the Griffith Observatory and some hiking trails. It was so nice, I went back the next day. As you can see, it was a smoggy day; I'll have to go back the day after it rains to get a clear view.

Name game

I think sometimes I watch the news just in hopes that someone will misspeak. Like just now, on MSNBC, when former Maryland congressman Kweisi Mfume talked about the momentum being gathered by Oback Barama.

The future is now

So Roy Scheider died. Some may think of him first from his work in Jaws, or, what was that TV show, Seaquest? But I will always remember him for his work in the sci-fi sequel 2010. I saw it when I was in 5th grade, with my mom and my friend Beth. I always enjoyed space stuff in school, and this movie really fascinated me. I then rented 2001, but let's face it, that's no movie for a middle-schooler. I have a hard time figuring out if 2010 is really a terrible movie or not - I've re-watched it recent years and still loved it. And it has a great cast: the late Roy Scheider of course, John Lithgow, Bob Balaban, and Helen Mirren to name a few. And that one guy who plays a Russian in any movie calling for a Russian.

The full name of 2010 was 2010: The Year We Make Contact. And of course 2001 was 2001: A Space Odyssey. When I was in 6th grade I wrote a highly under-appreciated parody called 2020: The Year We See Better. And yes, there was a part for Roy Scheider in it.

Lazy, fat musings

Hey America, why not create a salsa jar that's shallow and wide, so I don't get salsa all over my hands as soon as it's halfway empty? Come on, think!

Drill bits

Boy, how is it that I've missed out on the joy of drilling for 33 years? My first task was attaching legs to my new desk. Today I installed a swing-lock thingy on my door. Like they have in hotels. You know, the thing you swing out when you go down the hall to get ice so the door doesn't close behind you.

Also, a correction. The title of my According to Jim episode is "The Rendezvous." How do I know? Because today I got a DVD of the episode in the mail! As much as I wanted to fight the urge, I did end up watching it, or at least my scene. Part of me wanted to wait and see it when it came on TV, but somehow I felt I needed a head start on everyone else watching it. It gives me the power I so desperately crave.

The wonder of it all

Tonight I saw the biggest, brightest shooting star I've ever seen.

I also used a drill successfully by myself for the first time.

Whatever, it's cold.

Today I finally swallowed my pride and wore my wool coat. And I was glad I did. So there.

Tonight I did a Second City bizco with some former Chicagoans, and Brian Gallivan and I got to do our scene "Killer" from our last mainstage show. That's the one where I play Hillary Clinton. We figured tonight might have been the last night that scene will have any viability, depending on how Super Tuesday goes. I am now a registered voter in California, so tomorrow (today, I guess), I will do my civic duty.

My episode of According to Jim is scheduled to air on Tuesday, Feb. 19th at 9/8 central on ABC, America's Family Network. Check your local listings. The episode is called "The Layover." I show up about 2/3 of the way through, if memory serves.