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(Take This) Shirt Off My Back

CNN.com has a feature (which I assume is relatively new) where you can order t-shirts featuring some of the headlines on the front page. Just like some of their headlines have a video camera icon next to them, meaning you can watch video of the story, some of them have adorable t-shirt icons next to them, meaning you can order a t-shirt of that headline. Today, for instance, you can order one of the following hilarious headlines (watch out, Jay Leno!):

Soccer Dad Obama Gets Swatted By Wife
Ranch Salad Dressing Floods Basements
Towns Blast Fireworks From Budgets

Ok, the first one deals with Obama, an always-hip t-shirt reference, plus it hints at the wacky relationship he and his wife have (fist-bumping? Swatting? When will it end?!).

The second is certainly the most viable t-shirt slogan of the bunch, but really, who cares?

The third one has a classic news play on words that everyone seems to love to much, but is otherwise so stupid I don’t even know what to say. No, what? Otherwise so stupid? It’s stupid due in large part to the play on words.

So how does CNN.com decide which headlines to make into t-shirts? Why can’t I choose any headline on the page (I just realized I think this entire posting will be very entertaining if you imagine Andy Rooney saying it all). How about these currently posted stories:

Dead Vermont Girl’s Uncle Faces Kidnap Charges
Woman Kills Self to Avoid Nursing Home
Student Tortured, Stabbed to Death, Report Says

Now those are some t-shirts! I’ll wear anything with “report says” on it!

  •  Anonymous

    Or….Plane crashes in cemetary. Bodies continue to turn up as digging continues.

    Erdmanaiac…Mark

  •  Anonymous

    For this very reason, I tend to not watch the 24-hour news programs. They tease us with statements such as those that were listed. If it’s really important, then they should skip the commercial and tell us about it now.

    I figure that if a news story is really important, it will turn up on Erdmania. Otherwise, it’s not really all the important.

    R. Raymond

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13446056961733600001rel=nofollow Stacey

    Funny, when I hear Andy Rooney I always imagine YOU saying it all.

    Everyone needs a hobby, and I guess that’s mine.

  •  epitome epiphany

    A trippy source to cull headturning headlines for a t-shirt would be the National Enquirer:
    “Siamese alien twins: Andy and Mickey Rooney”

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14367710044518218570rel=nofollow Becky..AMHW

    I just want a shirt with a series of little Andy Rooneys in illustrations that detail sexual positions. No headlines necessary.

    It’s the eyebrows. Gets me all warm.

  •  Jarrett Pressman

    I think you’re on to something. But then again what would I know about amusing t-shirts?

    -Jarrett

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08520188398233910051rel=nofollow Christopher Gregory

    The Student Tortured stuff, that’s classic comedy, baby! On par with anything George Carlin put together. Fight the good fight, and keep the hair long Molly! :)

  •  Anonymous

    I went back and re-read the whole post hearing Andy Rooney’s voice in my head. It was very surreal when I heard him say “I just realized I think this entire posting will be very entertaining if you imagine Andy Rooney saying it all.”

    Then I thought to myself, “Wow. He’s *really* lost it this time”.

  • http://www.dwightwannabe.comrel=nofollow Dwight Wannabe

    ♫ Always look on the bright side of life… ♫

  • http://www.backtothefridge.comrel=nofollow Charlie Hills

    I’ve always wondered what class you take to learn how to write lame headlines like, “Town Blasts Fireworks From Budgets.”

    Does anyone think they’re actually being creative or witty when writing about “Pain at the Pump” or “Beat the Heat” or “Harry Potter Casts Box Office Spell”…?

    Although I definitely want to get the “Ranch Salad Dressing Floods Basements” t-shirt now.